Thursday, August 20, 2009

More on Domestic Abuse....

Please don't believe the myth that abusive men 'cannot control their anger'. They can and they do. If they truly could not control it they would lose it with men as well as women. In fact, it is not all women they 'lose it' with - only their partners. They may indeed be angry men, but they are selective and controlled as to who they lose with.

They do not need anger management classes because they can already 'manage' their anger. They are manipulative men, and they express anger in order to control, because they are control freaks. Charm and seduction is another method of control. Abusers are the most romantic men in the beginning, it is only after a time into the relationship that they show their dark side. They only do this when they have already hooked their women. The first explosion can start over something seemingly trivial like a pan of burnt rice, but there is no going back after that point. You will find yourself living with a man who switches from charm to rage in a matter of seconds. You will live in fear of him, he will be your personal jailer. He will be jealous and possessive, persistently calling or texting to ask where you are and who you are with. You will no longer be allowed any opinions of your own, and he will belittle any tastes or opinions you have independent from him. You will be expected to read his mind and he will believe he can read yours. You will only be allowed to think in one way - his. Any shortcomings of his own he will project onto you, rarely himself. 'I'll be Your Mirror' is an apt phrase.

Many women fall into the trap of making excuses for their partners or hoping against all odds that he will change. I know because I have done both. When I was in an abusive relationship and my friends told me how shitty they thought his behaviour was, I would make excuses such as 'he's not well at the moment' or 'he's been stressed' etc. Like all abusive men, he would apologise after a flare up and promise to change his behaviour. He would turn the tears on, a tactic that is not uncommon. I would hope that that time he meant it. He never did. It did not last and he did not change, and his promises to make amends came to nothing. They never do. The next flare up could occur after a matter of hours, even minutes.

Men like this do not change unless they themselves are willing to admit that they have a problem, and they very rarely do.

It came to a point when I realised I could no longer justify his behaviour to myself or anyone else. I realised he was not going to change, and I realised I had to walk away.

The trouble is that many women have low self esteem and are too willing to play the victim. Predatory men pick up on these signals and move accordingly. It is time to realise that nobody deserves to be treated like a piece of dirt. Self esteem is a valuable resource - and, sisters, it may just save your life one day, or at least your sanity.

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